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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.