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A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.