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Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?