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Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.