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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."