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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.