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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
My anger management class pisses me off
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`