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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.