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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping