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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?