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I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.