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I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
this is a status you spent your time reading: sj
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.