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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.