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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...