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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.