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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.