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when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Hard butter is the devil.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.