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You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.