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real eyes realize real lies
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
You look like I need another drink
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)