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You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.