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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!