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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."