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The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
After I die, there are some people Iām going to haunt the sh!t out of.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
I put the PRO in inappropriate!
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m
"Iām definitely going to do that tomorrow.ā ā Me being delusional