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I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.