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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.