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SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.