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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.