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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen