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Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...