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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.