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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.