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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"