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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
As I was signing into my email account instead of yahoo.com I typed hayoo.com...nope, it wasn`t right but I got to thinking it would be quite appropriate, afterall, we`re trying to get someone`s attention, right?
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car