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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
is "insert clever remark here."
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute