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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
Gym Update: Not there.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?