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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.