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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
is battling with eyelids
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!