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My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car