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Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.