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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
there is no strong beer, only weak men
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.