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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.