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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...