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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.