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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
am feeling lazy......... jst like the guy who desighned the Japannese flag
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".