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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.