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So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."