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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.