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Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
this website used to be full of funny statuses. Then the 8-year olds came in.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
Velcro is a ripoff
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
sleep is for people without netflix
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.