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How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles