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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.