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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
Safe words are for quitters.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.