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I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.