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Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.