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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
ROFL!!….. LOL jk i’m still in my chair.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.