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Smooth move.........ExLax
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.