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I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
My body needs a refresh button.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?