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I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?