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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.