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There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”