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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.