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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
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My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee`s, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!