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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people