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Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!