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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...