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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.