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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?