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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?