Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
When in doubt, take a nap.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.