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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!